Country girl Dixie Longate debuts her new show in Fort Lauderdale next month.  Get ready for booze, tales of sordid life, and displays of domestic acumen.

By Mike Jeknavorian

Where did you grow up?  In Mobile, Alabama.  I was born and raised there.  It’s a great place to come from, but it’s an even better place to leave.  That’s why I like going on the road.  I can’t wait ‘till this virus is gone so I can go back to not being here.  When you’re not in Mobile, what do you miss about it?  When I leave, I do miss the people, the honky-tonks, and the fact that you can drink from your car, as long as you don’t get caught.  Oh, and Mardi Gras.  It actually started here, you know.  What were you arrested in L.A. for?  I actually have never been arrested in LA.  But I had to leave Alabama as part of the conditions of my parole, so I went to L.A., figuring if Nicole Kidman can get famous and marry Tom Cruise, why can’t I?  We’re both red heads.  Are you still on parole?  Currently, no.  I only see my parole officer socially these days.  Did you have anything to do with the death of your three ex-husbands?  Not according to the court.  Just because you’re holding the ax, doesn’t mean you have used it.  What are you children doing now?  Wynona is looking for a job, because the Hooters where she used to work doesn’t have outdoor seating, since they never got the patio awning fixed after the last hurricane.   Dwayne is making llamas.  Absorbine, Jr. is lying face down on the floor, and has been for a few hours.  He’s three-years-old.  That’s what they do.

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Why did you move from L.A.?  I’d been on the road for so many years with my show, that it didn’t make sense to keep paying the rent in L.A., when I could just move my life and the kids back to Mobile.  Plus, the moving boxes keep my kids thoroughly entertained and busy while I’m gone for months at a time.  Which one of your old jobs least prepared you for what you do now?  I think that everything sort-of prepared me for it.  Cashier at the Piggly Wiggly, collection-plate coin-counter at the He is Risen Baptist church, pole-cleaner at the Snazzy Beaver—I’m using skills from all of those jobs to help me get where I am today.  Did you ever go to the Tupperware headquarters in Orlando?  Of course I have.  Every year I go to the Jubilee.  It’s right by Gator World.  What theater would you love to bring your show to?  I’m hankering to get my show back to New York City, where it all started 13 years ago.  What have you been doing to keep yourself busy during the quarantine?  I’ve been doing Live Facebook Happy Hours several days a week, where I make myself a cocktail and sit and share stories with people online.  It has kept me busy, and has kept people smiling, which is important during this crazy time.  Will you ever retire?  From entertaining, or from drinking?  What’s the weirdest question that a fan’s asked you?  Someone asked me to do a shout-out video for the “Corn Dog Association of Houston, Texas.”  It was different, but it made me laugh.  What other celebrity did you act like a “fan” around?  Do you know who I got so excited by in my audience one night?  Gedde Watanabe came to see the show.  He was “Long Duck Dong” in Sixteen Candles.  I just remember always loving him in that movie.  He was such a source of joy growing up.  I was beside myself that I got to be the one making him laugh this time.

What’s the last thing that you looked at online?  The website for ALDO shoes.  What’s the best place that you’ve ever visited?  I have actually had really good luck finding wonderful things about each place I have traveled to while I’ve been touring.  But I have a real love for Texas, Denver and Iowa.  And outside the U.S., I loved playing Australia.  It was a dream come true.  What are you an expert at?  Drinking.  I’m also pretty good at knitting, and I’ve made a blouse or two on the sewing machine.  If God were to take you tomorrow, how would you like to be remembered?  Hopefully people will remember me as a funny, inspiring, no-nonsense kind-of generous soul.  Or they will all just come to my funeral with flasks and shove them in my coffin.  What do you want to live long enough to see?  Affordable top shelf gin.  And a woman president.  Who would you like to be for a day, and why?  Jennifer Lopez, but only during a halftime show.  Do you believe in an afterlife?  I think that we’re lucky enough to be here in the first place.  I don’t want to waste any time here, because I don’t rightly know if we’ll get a second spin around the sun.  Do you think that this is the most amoral time that’s ever existed?  Since I have never lived during any other time, I can’t really judge, because they always leave the good stuff out of history books.  Who or what is the greatest love of your life?  The greatest love of my life is the time I get to connect with audiences after my shows.  I get my yearly fill of hugs every single day.  I wish everyone could feel that.  It’s good for the soul.  What talent would you most like to have?  I wish I could sing.  Singers have the coolest lives.  To be able to serenade someone—and not sound like I was just in a horrible car accident and am screaming in pain—would be a total benefit.

If you were a dictator with unlimited powers, what would you do first?  I’d give everyone a Bedazzler.  The world instantly gets better when you Bedazzle things.  What’s something that you learned in life only when you got older?  That booze helps.  What did you learn from your parents?  Good stories to use to get out of trouble from the police.  What’s your best characteristic?  My sense of humor, I think.  I tend to be able to make people smile even in the toughest of times.  How do you enjoy spending your time?  With booze.  What celebrity do you have a crush on?  I don’t know a soul who won’t tell you that Chris Hemsworth doesn’t make their Jesus place all tingly.  Who do you admire?  Anyone who has stood up for what they believe in, even when it’s unpopular.  If you could bring one person back from the dead, who would it be?  Cher.  Where would you go in a time machine?  To the fall of 1976.  It just seems like a ridiculously fun and mellow time.  What would your last meal be?  Mexican food with a giant bowl of chips and guacamole.  What do you worry about?  My toenails getting tougher as I grow older.  What are you afraid of?  Lesbians who run out of markers when they have only six hours to make 100 signs for a march.  If you were a musical instrument, what would you be?  The harp, because there’s a lot more surface area to play with.  Are you more like a sheep or a wolf?  A sheep, mostly because I’m so cuddly.  Ask the FedEx man.