Horror star and connoisseur of vintage cinema, Tom Fitzpatrick, reveals what he’s superstitious about, where he’d go in a time machine, and what beckoned him to Hollywood

Where did you grow up?  I grew up on a dairy farm near Rexville, New York, in a tiny hamlet in Southwestern New York State.  Where you live now?  In West Hollywood, California.  Why did you move there?  I always wanted to live there.  Specifically, I wanted to live in the “Hollywood” that I saw in the movie magazine photos—which doesn’t exist anymore, if it ever did.  But West Hollywood is the same; it’s only better!  Tell me something about Los Angeles that most people don’t know.  Hmm…  Captive Native Americans were sold as slaves in a slave market that existed on the streets of downtown Los Angeles, as late as the 1850s.  Are you proud to be an American yet?  What’s your claim–to–fame?  I guess that I played The Bride in Black in Episodes II and III of the Insidious horror franchise, and I played Kevin Hart’s long-suffering English butler on the BET series Real Husbands of Hollywood.  How would you like to be remembered?  As a fabulous actor who never got his due during his lifetime.  Will you ever retire?  Nah, I’ll never retire.  I’m just getting started.  What are your favorite silent movies?  Sunrise, Intolerance, A Fool There Was, and The General.  What are your favorite early talkies?  The Beast of the City, Dracula, and She Done Him Wrong.  What’s your favorite contemporary movie?  Tangerine.  Who are your favorite performers from silent films?  Buster Keaton, Clara Bow, Mary Pickford and Theda Bara.  Who’s your favorite performer from talkies?  Mae West.

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Who’s your favorite contemporary performer, and why?  Meryl Streep and Laurie Metcalf, because them broads can act!  What makes a good silent movie?  Good pace, superb photography, subtle acting and a good story.  What makes a good talkie?  All of the other things I just said, plus good, fast-paced dialogue in that dear, old-fashioned Broadway style.  It needs to be snappy.  What’s the last thing that you looked at online?  I searched for “massive cocks” on Reddit, okay?  Nosy bitch.  What’s the best place that you’ve visited, and why?  Paris.  Why…?!  Jesus Christ, it’s fucking Paris!  It’s the best city in the world, hands down.  What’s your favorite band?  I have no “favorite” band. I literally know nothing of contemporary music, and my ignorance doesn’t bother me at all.  Who would play you in a movie?  Glenda Jackson…?  No, I don’t know.  Stupid question, dear.  What are you superstitious about?  Oh, God.  Never, EVER, quote anything from Shakespeare’s Scottish play in my presence.  That’s my greatest fear.  Never, EVER, whistle in the dressing room.  Never cross paths backstage with anyone going up or down the stairs.  Never wear a blue costume without some silver on it to offset the blue.  Never peek out at the audience from behind the curtain before the show.  And, of course, say “break a leg” to a performer, but never say “good luck.”  I knock-on-wood all the while backstage before a show, and I pray as well.  Do you believe in aliens?  Aliens…?  Nah. We’re alone on this rock in the universe, kids.  Sorry. 

What’s your guilty pleasure?  I have no guilty pleasure.  Anything I want to do, I go ahead and do it.  Fuck it.  Life is too short.  I had 17 years of a Catholic childhood, and that gave me more than enough guilt for two fucking lifetimes.  How do you most enjoy spending your time?  Going to excellent films at The Arclight Theatre in Hollywood, or sitting quietly, reading great books by P. G. Wodehouse or Agatha Christie.  What celebrity do you have a crush on?  Keanu Reeves.  Who do you admire?  Keanu Reeves.  The guy is classy and cool.  He’s the product of a good mom, I bet.  If you could bring one person back from the dead, who would it be, and why?  My beloved best friend that I ever had in my life, the late Iranian-American avant-garde theatre director, Reza Abdoh.  He and I worked together for ten years and made ten shows together.  He died of AIDS in 1995, and I still miss him and think of him every day.  Best guy on earth, ever, by me.  Where would you go in a time machine, and why?  I’d go to Hollywood, California, at about 1912 or 1913.  I’d break into silents at the very beginning.  I’d get in on the ground floor.  A new art form was being created, you know?  The last art form, probably.  What else can be done…?  What would your last meal be?  I dunno.  A hunk of salmon, some veggies and rice, a glass of good red wine, a great cuppa coffee, and a slice of good chocolate cake for dessert.

What do you worry about?  Money.  But I don’t need much.  If you were a musical instrument, what would you be, and why?  The oboe. I like the soothing sound, and it sounds very close to the human voice.  Are you more like a sheep or a wolf?  A wolf, baby.  Make no mistake about it.  I might be a small, sneaky wolf, but a wolf nevertheless.  Who depends on you?  Nobody depends on me.  Thank God.  Who are you closest with?  Four “kids” from the company of actors my friend Reza created to do his works, two old friends from a long-running show that I did in Boston in the early 1970s, and a newbie from Facebook—the fine young film director, Anoushirvan Masoudi.  What would your autobiography be called?  Either I Always Wanted to Be Here, or Thank God That’s Over.  Do you ever put music on when you’re upset?  No.  No music.  What’s on your bucket list?  To get a regular or recurring role on some damned TV show that takes off and runs for 10 years, and to make beaucoup flicks for really good, artistic directors.  What’s your greatest regret in life?  I turned down a few gigs that might have led to more interesting work.  Tell me something that you’ve never told anyone else.  I’ve already told you enough.  No mas, papi.  Sorry.  No hitherto unpublished secrets will be divulged here.  Where can we see you?  In the upcoming film Regarding the Case of Joan of Arc and in an episode in the upcoming web series Driven.