Despite a dramatic range that’s greater than Meryl Streep’s, which Hollywood star would Bruce Vilanch give it all up for to be their trophy “wife”?

By Mike Jeknavorian

Where do you live?  I live in L.A., and I’ve lived there for so long that the statute of limitations in New Jersey have run out.  What’s special about L.A.?  People move here for the dream—money, fame, sex.  I’m deeply shallow; I fit right in.  What L.A. venue do you miss that’s gone?  Back alleys.  Now they’ve got an app for that.  If you had to live somewhere else, where would you live?  If I had to…?  Like, why…?  The earth swallowed up Southern California…?  That’s gonna happen anyway, and I’ll probably get swallowed with it.  I hate you; where’s my Xanax?  Is this your first time performing in South Florida?  No, but it’s the first time in Boca and Aventura, so, in a sense, it’s like doing a pilgrimage to the Holy Land.  Will you have time to do something fun when you’re here?  Yes, but I can’t mention it specifically, or I’ll get taken to court by Rose McGowan.  You can’t be too careful these days.  How would you describe yourself?  A writer/actor/comedian/stripper.  You name it, you book it, you got it.

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Which celebrity project was the most special to you?  I’d be a fool if I did’t lead with Bette—we have a long and colorful collaboration.  But writing 23 Oscar shows, and being a Hollywood “square” for six years, and being a woman in Hairspray on Broadway and the road, were all pretty special.  There have also been a lot of fundraisers that helped a lot of people.  What’s the strangest thing that’s ever happened to you on stage?  In Hairspray, my first week on Broadway, my skirt slipped below my dainty waist and pooled on the floor around me.  So I was up there wearing the full top, an off-white girdle, and the fat suit.  The audience didn’t know if it was part of the show or not, until I said, “Now you know why I spent six years sitting in a square.” Other than yourself, who’s one of the best comedy writers?  The people that I’ve collaborated with the most, Jon Macks and Dave Boone, who write just about every special event on television.  But there are lots of fantastic writers out there that I haven’t worked with. 

What comic do you admire?  George Carlin was my all-time favorite.  Eddie Izzard is pretty spectacular.  And Lily Tomlin is a genius. Who’s your favorite RuPaul queen?  Bianca! She rules when she’s onstage.  She’s genuinely funny and fierce.  What’s your dream gig?  Mrs. Jake Gyllenhaal.  Oh, professionally…?  I have immense range, so I’d like to do the Meryl Streep story.  Other than your Oscars gig, what’s your dream writing gig?  It would be wonderful to lie on a fainting couch like Marcel Proust and just churn it out.  What’s your favorite play or musical?  How to Succeed is pretty perfect, and South Pacific has the most glorious score and a real emotional tug.  All those people thrown together on an island trying not to lose it.  Oh, wait.  That’s Survivor.  Which award is the most special to you?  The Nobel Peace prize.  Think I have a shot?  Which Advocate article is the most special to you?  Now you’re forcing me to remember opinions that I came up with 20 years ago.  I don’t remember how I felt about the brisket at Rosh Hashanah.

Which one of your old jobs least prepared you for what you do now?  Everything taught me something.  I just wish that I had retained what it was.  If God were to take you tomorrow, how would you like to be remembered?  As a beautiful, thin person.  But you get what you pay for.  Will you ever retire?  But then you have to move to Boca, by law.  No, writers never stop.  Herman Wouk is still at a desk every day.  What’s the weirdest question that a fan’s asked you?  “May I see your feet?”  What other celebrity did you act like a “fan” around?  I’ve been at it since I was a kid, so I kept meeting celebrities in a professional capacity.  However, Sidney Poitier did make me talk in tongues.  He’s so gracious and elegant, and, well, he’s a historical figure, not an audio-animatronic.  Who would play you in a movie?  James Franco said he wanted to, but I told him that he’d smother under the fat suit. What do you want to live long enough to see?  Something orange leaving the building.  What are you superstitious about?  The hell with that.  I go full-bore OCD.

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Do you believe in aliens?  I think that if they were as great as they’re cracked up to be, they’d have conquered us by now.  Unless they dropped by, took a whiff, and put the mothership in reverse.  What’s the gayest concert that you ever went to?  Judy Garland in Columbus, Ohio, in 1967.  I was a college student and came home with a notebook full of numbers from kindly, older gentlemen.  What’s the most times that you read a book?  I have re-read Patrick Dennis so many times, even my dog says the books are dog-eared.  His big hit was Auntie Mame, but he was a brilliant social satirist who wrote a dozen wonderful novels.  What’s the last thing that you looked at online?  Has anyone ever answered that question honestly?  What’s the best place that you’ve visited?  Israel, when I was a teenager, before it was controversial even to Jews.  What’s something that you learned in life only when you got older?  It is what it is.  What did you learn from your parents?  To pay cash.  What’s your best characteristic?  That I insist on having a good time.  How do you enjoy spending your time?  Answering questions, evidently. What celebrity do you have a crush on?  I don’t believe that’s legal anymore.

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Who do you admire?  Paul Newman.  He turned his fame into a perpetual revenue-stream for good.  If you could bring one person back from the dead, who would it be?  Cleopatra, so people would finally stop claiming they used to be her.  Where would you go in a time machine?  To someplace where I could still take my meds.  What would your last meal be?  Pasta, pasta, pasta.  What do you worry about?  “Did anyone smell that?”  What are you afraid of?  Spiders dressed as clowns.  If you were a musical instrument, what would you be?  Something that has to be blown.  Are you more like a sheep or a wolf?  I’m like a sheep eating a wolf.  Who depends on you, and for what?  A black pug, for everything.  Who are you closest with?  See above.  What would your autobiography be called?  I’m struggling with the title now, which might wind up being the title.  What music do you listen to when you’re upset?  Schving!  What’s on your bucket list?  To kick it.  What’s your greatest regret in life?  That I keep postponing things.  Like this answer.  What’s something that you never told anyone else?  Life is a cabaret, old chum.  Where can we see you?  If you miss the Boca show, and you know your way around, i’ll be in Aventura at the Arts & Cultural Center the next night.  C’mon down!